An Open Letter to People Getting Married

Dear Lovely Engaged People Planning Weddings,

You are about to embark on a new world of amazing married adventures. Really. Marriage is great. Well, mine has been, anyway.  I guess since I don’t know you, I can’t really speak to yours.

All things being equal, if you’re a decent person and your fiancee is decent, and you’re not selfish jerks, and you’re willing to grow together and learn about one another and work hard every day to make your marriage better than it was yesterday — you’ll have a good shot at a decent marriage.  You gotta love him/her more today than you did yesterday.  That’s the secret, and it’s actually harder than it sounds …. but it’s awesome.

But I’m not here to talk about marriage, actually.

I’d like to address a disturbing trend:  the blending of honeymoons and the 21st century social-media-infused world that has come to prize over-sharing.

Recently I’ve heard of morning after breakfasts that include the bride and groom. This puzzles me.  Apparently, once the couple gets married, they don’t disappear into the blissful void of The Honeymoon.  No, some couples are deciding to show up again the next morning to chow down on some bacon and discuss…. what, exactly?

Didn’t I just see y’all packed into a limousine / horse and carriage / old car / your dad’s Oldsmobile / someone’s borrowed SUV riding off into the sunset?

This is what I got when I googled "wedding bubbles disaster." I lie not.
This is what I got when I googled “wedding bubbles disaster.” I lie not.

Didn’t we toss rice / sling birdseed / light candles / light sparklers / set something on fire / blow bubbles / throw rose petals at your backs as you departed the reception venue for a new life together and the bliss of the marriage bed?

Didn’t we stay after and party on into the night, as the DJ pumped up some dance tunes and all these fun people who aren’t usually together anymore had a chance to keep partying while you went off to your blissful hotel room or B&B or whatever to ….you know? Get it on?

Take it off? Make the night special?

Exactly.

So what the hell are you doing showing your faces at breakfast the next morning to your family and friends?!

I find this nearly as disturbing as the very rare but still extant couples — the overly dedicated, a little too faithful religious friends of ours who decided to attend church the morning after their Saturday wedding, before driving off into the daytime sunshine (their second pubic departure) to keep those honeymoon fires blazing.  Because nothing makes my Sunday morning worship experience better than realizing the couple sitting down the aisle from me had really awesome sex last night. (Realistically:  probably absolutely terrible two-virgins sex.)

Thankfully this awkward situation is (hopefully) rather rare.

But now that we live in 2014, we have a whole new set of difficult wedding etiquette questions to uncover.

Should couples post their honeymoon adventures to Karkhov on Instagram?
Or Flickr? Do any of my actual friends use Flickr?
Facebook? So Grandma can see….   Oh wait…..
Can you tweet about it?
How soon is too soon?

That’s probably too soon.

There’s a reason couples go off to start their lives together. It actually isn’t about the sex, though I’m using that to drive home a point. (haha)

Please, Couples Getting Married, make a point of disconnecting from your normal lives for a bit during your honeymoon.  You’ll get back to the real world soon enough with all of its cares and drama and relationships.

Right now, you need to focus on the two of you, making a milestone out of the vows you just made before God and man.  There will be other occasions to hang out with all of your college roommates or cousins. (Better yet, throw yourselves a great party the day before the wedding so you get a chance to hang out.   If you’re so busy planning a wedding that you can’t stop to enjoy the people who show up, maybe you’re planning the wrong kind of wedding?)

Some moments of the human experience deserve some mystery.  You can show us photos of the beach once you get home.  Unplug from Facebook and Twitter when you’re on your honeymoon.

We’ll give you a huge hug once you get back.

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