Tag Archives: parenting

I played a parenting sim disguised as the best video game I’ve ever played [The Witcher 3]

Oh no. Here it is. One of those moments where you’ve got to make a snap decision, but you can feel in your heart that it’s a biggie.

Damn. If I let her go off and do this, she’s not ready. She’s going to get hurt. She doesn’t understand the risks. This could end badly – so badly. I’d be an idiot to let a teenage girl walk into that situation without her father.

But if I make the call for her, if I insist on shoving myself into her decision, then I’m also diminishing her as a person. I’m robbing her of the opportunity to become all the woman that she can be. And that’s starting to mean more to me than ‘keeping her safe.’  There’s going to come a day when I’m not there, when I can’t keep her safe. She’s got to be able to make it on her own.

I’ve spent the last week second-guessing my choices as a “parent,” worried that I could have chosen better … This wasn’t what I expected when I popped the game disk into my PS4 in December.

The Witcher 3 is a video game by a Polish studio based on a fantasy series popular there, one that is just now making its way into the American market. (You should immediately go buy the first book on Amazon, because if you like fantasy at all, you’ll enjoy it.) The books and games center on the story of Geralt the Witcher, one of the few remaining members of a guild founded in the book’s Middle Ages to fight monsters who prey on humans. As people began to populate the land (a clone of Eastern Europe) back in the day, witchers were created through mutation and strong drugs to be faster and more capable mutant humans, able to take down the terrifying creatures that the humans discovered in their land. But that was hundreds of years ago, and the witchers are a dying breed now, a relic of an older and less-enlightened age, and despised by most people as an aberration.

witcher-3-screenshot-4-840x473Geralt is a pretty hard man at the beginning of his story. Unlike many fantasy RPG’s which throw you into an open world to craft your own story, Geralt brings his own strong, established personality and a definite story arc. He reminds me of a 1930s noir detective. He speaks in short clipped sentences and sees the world in his own version of black and white. To a witcher, the politics of men matter little. His job is to kill the monsters that men can’t kill … though he wisely recognizes that many “monsters” are far better than the rich men and rulers who devour their subjects through greed and corruption. But he wasn’t created to deal with them.

***SPOILERS AHEAD*** YOU SHOULD STOP NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED THE GAME
and you really should play this game! ….One of the best I’ve ever encountered. 

Into Geralt’s hard and lonely life comes a child, a Child of Destiny, a consequence of the Law of Surprise. (“As payment, give me something you have at home that you do not expect.” Or “Give me your first child, the one yet unborn.”) Geralt has little use for Destiny since he survives by hard training, fast reflexes, and avoiding the stupidity of a fight he cannot win. But Destiny has other plans, and inserts into his life a six year old, blond firebrand named Ciri. Geralt, when he has a home, lives with a couple other bachelor witchers in a drafty, crumbling castle. His idea of “fun” is either drinking or working out.

But suddenly, he’s a dad. And through the power of video gaming, now so are you.

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Ciri grows up, as children are wont to do. And so does Geralt (who’s 100 years old, by the way, when the story opens – witchers don’t really age thanks to their mutations). And so does Yenefer, Geralt’s on-again/off-again love interest, a woman who’s so polarizing, the Witcher fanbase sorts itself into #TeamYen and #TeamTriss. Yenefer is a hard woman to love. That’s a long story and I’ll leave it for the books or games to unravel for you, but it’s worth noting that I couldn’t stand her for the first several hours I played the game (or the first several hundred pages of the books). I came around later.

But what makes the Witcher 3 a stunning masterpiece of storytelling is the way it thrusts you into the job of parent, so craftily that you don’t realize it’s happened. Geralt is on a mission to find Ciri #becauseplot and along the way you’re asked to make decisions, often in the heat of a moment, about how you’re going to respond to Ciri’s attitude or request or needs.

Do you coddle her? Encourage her? Forbid her? Protect her?

It matters. There are three endings to this game, and one of them is horrible. Gamers talk about how that ending crushed them. The other two endings are “good” but also bittersweet. Parents can’t keep their kids forever. It’s not what’s meant to be, no matter how much you enjoy their company. You’ve got to let go. The big question is, will you be able to live with yourself once you see the embodiment of all your parenting choices? #allthefeels

What struck me, once I finished the game, was how much Geralt and Yenefer (and I-as-Geralt) had changed because of parenting Ciri. You realize you’re making decisions differently. They’re sacrificing themselves for the sake of this girl they’re raising. And as Ciri becomes more and more their heart-child, a woman they will fight and die for because they love her that deeply, their sacrifice is redemptive. By sacrificing themselves, they save themselves – from a life of loneliness and bitterness and selfishness. “He who saves his life shall lose it; but he who sacrifices his life for My sake, shall find it,” said Christ in the Gospels. Learning to live and love sacrificially has consequences, primarily for the person who’s learning to love selflessly.

Please dive into this game if you have any inclination toward video games at all. I promise, you won’t be disappointed. In fact, I’ll probably find you bawling your eyes out at the ending, like I did…. because that’s what a great game does for you. It drives home its story so that you cannot escape it, so that you feel it and walk around in a daze for a bit afterward, wondering how you could have been a better parent…..

I recommend reading this lovely short piece on the quality of The Witcher 3‘s storytelling.

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Over 800 awards for this game. Nothing to sneeze at.

You might also enjoy this great analysis by the guys at Extra Credits on how The Witcher 3 uses choice and romantic dilemmas to force the player to confront his/her own character:

Is there a connection between ‘innocence’ and ‘privilege’? 

I came across this excellent piece by Shannon Gaggero about her realization that her (white, middle-class) kids experience innocence differently than children in other households may.

Put simply, maintaining children’s “innocence” is an opportunity available only to parents who are already working from a position of privilege within mainstream society, usually through a combination of sufficient financial/socio-economic standing, social “capital,” and racial identity.

Preserving my children’s innocence is an act of preserving white supremacy – A Striving Parent

Shannon describes children’s books, resources, and talking points she uses with her very young kids to help them see injustice and respond to that in appropriate ways.

*****
Several years ago, my colleague Jack and I were asked by some VBS organizers at our church to teach the “missionary story” to a group of preschool children. [If you know anything about me, you should be chuckling right now…. the last time I worked with preschoolers, I was a high schooler helping out in my small church’s VBS and wondering what I’d done to make the universe assign me such tiny humans whom I didn’t understand at all. (My lifelong habit has been to work with post-pubescent beings.)] Jack doesn’t have kids of his own yet but he’s got a pile of nieces and nephews and seems to be better at translating toddler behavior into something understandable.

Anyway, the missionary story – for those of you who might not have been raised in VBS culture –  is that moment when a VBS worker attempts to compress a complex, nuanced story of someone’s cross-cultural ministry experiences usually in a colonial or post-colonial society into a 5 to 10 minute Golden Book of missionary fervor.

[That comes across as too harsh; I loved hearing missionary stories as a kid because they were human and interesting and a little more connected to what I could envision as day to day life than Bible stories. I’m a little worried that most of the adults in the churches I’ve gone to aren’t aware of the imperialist baggage of white missionary activity among populations in Africa, India, or Asia and how that probably hindered their work for the sake of the Gospel. But that’s a topic for a different day.]

Jack and I had been asked to share a missionary story with pre-K kids for the sake of cross-cultural education. A mission we could get behind for sure. So one of us dug out of our closet a CEF story book about Mary Slessor, the legendary Scotswoman who labored in West Africa for decades and adopted many children who would have otherwise been murdered due to the local custom of treating twins as demon-possessed.

Slessor’s story in the CEF book opens with her childhood, making mention of her upbringing in poverty with a drunken and abusive father. Jack was telling the story on this first day, softening the language into something more palatable for 4 and 5 year old ears: “Her father was a very bad man. He was mean to Mary and to Mary’s mom.”

I’ve told this story myself to groups of kids at Good News Clubs (another high school / college era activity) from a variety of backgrounds. At the time, it wouldn’t have occurred to me that some of the kids listening might know far too much about domestic violence. At least I grasped the poverty angle.

But as an adult with several years of teaching experience, I knew this was a touchy moment in the story. I also knew that it might be hard to explain to 21st century white middle-class parents why their little kids were coming home talking about domestic violence. I figured the innocence of church kids would preserve us. Most people raised in similar circles (Christian, conservative, white) don’t clue in to social justice issues until they’re far older.

I’d forgotten about the kid in the room from CHC.  CHC is a local charity, one of the very best I’ve ever known, operating group homes for foster children in our area. Despite nearly shutting down when South Carolina went through a phase of refusing to place kids in group homes in a burst of idealism that hardly matched the dire need for foster care in our state, CHC weathered the storm and – as you might expect – is running at capacity. Their kids attend church with the resident houseparents, and in this case, VBS.

I’ve forgotten his name, this beautiful little boy with curly hair and a toothless smile. He was impish – small for his age, a wicked grin, always into everything, fighting every boundary. I didn’t know his story, but every instinct told me he could be a handful.

Yes. “Handful.”That’s how we describe the children who howl or bite or rage against the dysfunction and/or drug abuse and/or sexual assault and/or generational poverty and neglect which ground up their families and spit them out into a state system that tries to provide a pale resemblance of family life and normalcy. 

This boy, I’ll call him “Mark,” was listening to Jack tell Mary Slessor’s story today. And he knew. He understood. His 4-year-old body knew what it meant in real terms when Jack said, “Mary’s father was a bad man, a mean man.” So he contributed. This was a story he could grasp. “My mommy is bad. She hit my sister on the leg.”

Later, “My mommy tried to hurt me with a knife.”

I wrote about this at the time, but I bring it up again because 7 years later, I still can’t get that moment out of my mind. I was horrified to confront in that moment a glimpse of what this child had already experienced, a sin-drenched violation of maternal instinct. And I was equally terrified that the other kids would realize what he was saying and start asking questions. And that we would soon be in the middle of a preschooler crisis and then a horde of angry parents would appear at our door with pitchforks.

That, my friends, is probably as close as I can get you to a teacher’s inner monologue. Every lesson, if you’re doing it right, teeters on the edge of incredible discovery and deep learning, but that always comes at the risk of stabbing straight into one of the questions we adults cannot answer, like why mothers of 4 year olds would try to stab them. Or why the richest nation on earth has such a drug problem. Or why South Carolina can’t seem to do anything about the generational poverty that chews up its citizens. And if your lesson crosses over into those churning waters where the real learning happens, your animal brain begins to tingle with fearful anticipation of the phone calls you’re going to get from parents or school board members when they realize your discussion of Dickens robbed children of their innocence.

Friends, I ask this in all sincerity:

How can parents know whether preserving the purity and innocence of their children – whether toddler or teen – is wisdom or idolatry?  

I’ve seen this many times in my work with teens and young adults: healing the wounds of dysfunction and pain requires interaction with healthy, functional peers and adults. So if all the healthy, functional families cocoon themselves, who’s left to walk alongside the wounded?

What can this look like, if it’s done well? Is a school community capable of this? Is it a church responsibility? Can a family accomplish this kind of ‘education’ on its own, apart from church or school?

What Grace in parenting teens might look like

Ran across this excellent piece about the storms of parenting adolescents. 

I had to hold back tears when I read this, because it dredged up deep memories of watching friends and parents I know do this for their teens. Grace always hits me in the feels like that. 

I usually got to see both sides — the fear and fighting from the scared teen, and the pain and fear it caused their parents. 
Yet they both held on. And they made it. 

The Letter Your Teenager Can’t Write You

Empty-Nesters: Please get back Into the pool. We need you.

Why aren’t there survival support groups for parents of teenagers?

I’m serious. Hear me out.

If what I observe is even remotely accurate,  the World has decided that Toddlers and Preschoolers demand the kind of support and attention given to Three Mile Island by a nuclear engineer prone to anxiety attacks.

d42dbb727391bbeb114561bb6ae8ae78New mothers should be surrounded by a support group the size of a brigade — including grandparents, friends of grandparents, church nursery workers, the moms of older kids who miss having a baby around, the fathers of older kids who are actually really great with babies but don’t push themselves into the gaggle of chattering women to get a chance to hold the newest addition…..Basically everyone within earshot of the crying babe.

I’m all about support networks.  Good lord, if I have a kid, I’m calling on anyone within siren distance for help.  I am an idiot when it comes to little kids. Completely incompetent.

But I think this whole parent support network breaks down as kids get older.

I spent a decade teaching teens, meaning I got to know a lot of parents of teens.  As a crowd, these parents tend to share some common characteristics:

  • They’re confused and sometimes hurt or angry because their teen seems to be suffering from multiple personality disorder. It’s as if 6 children have all moved into the same body…. 4 of them are total assholes at least half the time, 1 is always asleep, 3 “can’t even,” and the only nice one emerges when the parent isn’t around.
  • They’re tired because teenagers have ridiculous expectations for social lives but restricted access to driving privileges, a car, or gas money.  So the parental taxi service runs non-stop, the management of curfew is non-stop, the litany of last-minute requests to buy something that should have been taken care of last week is non-stop, the vigilance over “what were you doing last weekend” never stops.
NOT IMPRESSED: Teenagers as a species.
NOT IMPRESSED: Teenagers as a species.
  • They’re poor because nothing tops teen expectations for transportation except their need for money, electronics, clothes, games, movie tickets, adventures with friends, and school supplies. Maybe you can resist “keeping up with the Joneses” but your kid probably can’t.
  • They’re weary of the interpersonal conflict.  Sometimes kids grow up without giving their parents hell all the time. But almost every parent  has to live through at least 12-18 months of crap. Kids know where your buttons are. They know where it hurts. Sometimes they go for the jugular…but usually they’re just cluelessly self-absorbed adolescents drowning in angst.
  • They’re scared that they’re doing it wrong. Parenting is one of those jobs where you don’t know what to do until after you’ve lived through it and gained the experience you would have given a body part to possess 3 days ago.  And every kid is different so those hard-earned lessons may not transfer to the next one.
  • PARENTS, this is you.
    PARENTS, this is you in TeenWorld….. Misspellings and all. Without RDJ’s cool factor.

    They’re wrestling with the balance between safety and freedom, with when to intervene and when to let life teach its hard lessons. A teenager’s character blossoms in exciting ways, giving glimpses of the incredible person tucked inside, a vision of stunning future potential. But they’re also old enough to really, truly screw it up….bad. With lifelong consequences.  That’ll keep anyone up at night. Which makes teenagers’ unhappiness with their parents’ involvement all the more infuriating.

  • They’re feeling guilty because social media and casual conversation make it look like everyone else, despite all their protestations, is doing it so much better. Those people’s kids seem nicer, kinder, smarter, better dressed, better fed, better educated, more involved, and readier for college. Oh yeah, college! Another thing to feel guilty about – how big is your tuition savings account? (Answer: Never big enough.)

If the teen in question is a first-born, raise the intensity of all of these by a factor of 10.

To this, I have something to say:

Empty nesters, we need you.

Where are the support groupies for the parents of teens? They’re out on the lake. They’re chasing retirement. They’re trying to keep up with a kid at college who never calls home and loses all his socks so he just doesn’t bother wearing any, ever.  They’re tired because they’re 50 years old still working 50 hours a week. They’re saving for a future wedding (fingers crossed). They’re distracted because a first grandchild is on the way.

But empty-nesters, we still need you.

266092394761f1b95c58df16df767d59YOU are the voice of reason to the parents of teens in your life (and in your church and in your extended network of people you knew when your kids were in school).

YOU are the evidence that parenting adolescents need not be a terminal illness or the #1 cause of ulcers in adults in their 40s. (I made that up; stop Googling.)

YOU possess the power to say the magic words that parents of teens need to hear again and again and again: “It’s going to be okay.” 

The Apostle Paul gave Titus a model for church relationships as Titus got started in his pastoral career in Crete. In chapter 2, Paul suggests that it’s the older and more experienced people in the church who should mentor those coming along behind in the ways of life: marriage, parenting, working, living.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve noticed this mentoring cycle  seems to break as families grow up. I can imagine many reasons:  Social circles for kids and parents harden into the natural groupings driven by school, pulling families into spending time primarily around people who have kids of similar ages. With everyone tucked neatly into these strata, who has time to break out and ask for a hand up?

So. If you’re reading this, and your kids are grown, please find a family who’s still raising their kid13441326730742762560-1368441969s, and invest in their lives. Just start with going out for coffee or beer – what parent of teens doesn’t need chemical assistance?

Get to know teens in your church or neighborhood. Volunteer to chaperon a youth group trip, or have a bunch over for cookies. (Teens still like cookies.) It won’t be weird. I promise. Teens hate only their own parents. 🙂

Hillary earned a lot of scorn in the 90s when she reminded us “It takes a village to raise a child.”  But it DOES take a village. Being part of the Body means parents aren’t supposed to be stuck doing this alone. The rest of us at different stages of life should be investing something in the people coming after us.

Get back in the pool, Empty Nesters! You’re the lifeguards.

Link: Helicopter parenting is increasingly correlated with college-age depression and anxiety.

The data emerging about the mental health of our kids only confirms the harm done by asking so little of them when it comes to life skills yet so much of them when it comes to adhering to the academic plans we’ve made for them.

Really. This has got to stop.  And not just “everybody else is doing it wrong” but a genuine assessment of our own attitudes and behaviors toward the kids in our lives.

Read on:

via Helicopter parenting is increasingly correlated with college-age depression and anxiety..

Parents, when you want to throttle your teenager, love them instead

I’ve never been a parent. I don’t pretend to understand “what it’s like” to raise a child for 18 years and then let him go.

That said, I’ve spent a significant amount of time around quite a few teenagers from a variety of family backgrounds, investing deeply in their lives through a lot of time and effort. And I’ve observed lots of parents: those who seem to be making it through the teen years pretty okay and others who through no fault of their own really were left scratching their heads about what to do with this kid.

With that serving as my general disclaimer, I’d like to point out one thing I’ve observed successful parents of teens doing as a key factor in their parenting:  Their posture toward their son/daughter combines genuine, joyful love with strength, honesty, and courage.

Let me unpack that.

The most important growth in an adolescent is his/her understanding of what it means to be a truly independent person. She is transforming from “the child of [family]” to her own identity. It’s a struggle, fraught with much embarrassment and fear and the metamorphosis takes place in a fishbowl of attention from peers and adults. And the maturation process takes its time.

Teenagers express all the variety that we see in humanity, and some teens are more combative or manipulative or hurtful than others. I’ve cringed at some of the statements I’ve heard hurled at parents by their annoyed or angry adolescents. It can be a rough time as the home turns into an emotional war zone where words become weapons and nothing you can do seems to hit the right mark.

Nearly all kids will attack parental authority like a jackhammer, pounding in every example they can find of how anyone else’s parent is doing it better.

[See note at end of post for a few more thoughts in this vein.]

In the middle of this mess, what’s a parent to do?

I firmly believe that God “parents” us in ways that can inform how we parent (or mentor or teach) our kids. He’s God, so I’m not implying we can follow His methods exactly or to the same effect. But within our experience with God the Father we find clues for how to love our teens while also maintaining a healthy relationship that helps them grow and mature… without pulling out every last hair. (Bald is not a good look for most people.)

A few key thoughts:
1. God looks on His children with love, with joy, with acceptance. When He looks at me, He sees the righteousness of Christ. I am fully accepted and totally loved…. even when my behavior or attitude falls short of being anything like Christ’s.

This is Grace and it’s where we all must start: the love of God enables us to love others as we have been loved.

Your teenager will do dumb stuff and rebel and make you angrier than you ever thought possible while ripping out your feelings and stomping on them, reminding you that you aren’t welcome or needed or wanted. Awesome.

Imagine how our daily sinful actions look (and feel) to God our Redeemer, who patiently renews His mercies every morning. Great is His faithfulness in the midst of our failures and need.

What this means for parenting:  Your reaction to your teen must be grounded in a firm grasp of how much you are loved by God, even when you fail. This is the same “standard” you should apply to your parenting. Grace isn’t leniency; it’s a gift of exactly what we most need in the moment, whether encouragement or discipline or honesty. 

2. God’s redemptive love anchors His interactions with us. God doesn’t change His attitude toward me based on how I feel toward Him.

Romans 2 says it’s the goodness of God that leads us to repentance.  This posture of love is key to God’s work in drawing us to Himself. He can give us Grace because He sacrificed His own Son to reconcile us to Himself. He took the hit … so He can extend the relationship.

Even when He knew full well what a mess we are. His love is eyes-open, honest, in-spite-of-our-badness love.

Lesson for parents: Don’t let your moody, angry, difficult teen drag you into the same negative mindset. Your actions may have to be firm to enforce family rules or discipline, but your posture toward your child can and should be one of calm, assured love.

Delight in your teen. Choose to see that good and call it out (but not to “make a move” and prove how “nice” you are) and with genuine joy. God rejoices over us with singing (says Nehemiah); give your teen the same gift, even when she is driving you nuts.  Do this because you can love them as God first loved you.

Understand that I’m not saying, “Overlook their bad behavior.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t have frank conversations about what they’re doing that’s dangerous or unwise (though you probably won’t get far in convincing them to change). Maintain your rules. Exercise discipline. But above all, fight to keep your attitude toward your teen positive. It does matter.

3. God does not return us to the role of adversary, even when we have sinned. 

I hear a lot of parents (and teachers, in their contexts) ask, “But my kid is doing something wrong. I need to make sure they understand that I don’t approve. I need them to feel how bad they are!”

Look. I get it. I actually do. But feeling bad about sin? That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. He’s the one who convicts “of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment” (John 14). You can’t succeed in trying to do His job.

You can attempt to educate their consciences, but you can’t (and shouldn’t) try to make them “feel guilty.”  Emotional manipulation is just as wrong a tactic for you as it is for them. Withholding your favor to punish them for their bad attitude is just revenge.

Love and honesty aren’t opposites. Love and discipline aren’t opposites. You work with your tools (natural consequences, discipline, discussion) and let God work with His. Your child is not your adversary. Don’t escalate the war (but don’t let yourself be a hostage either).

Takeaway: Be honest with your teen when they’ve done something wrong. But do not allow yourself to treat your son or daughter like he/she is your enemy. It won’t help.

Also, remember that your kid will grow to fit the mold you build for him/her. Want a rebellious teen? Make sure you assume that her actions are rebellious before you hear an explanation. Assume she’s only a liar. Make him feel as if his trajectory has been set, and it will be way easier to just live up to bad expectations than forge new ones.

God’s mercies are replenished every morning. So should yours.

4. God, in His mercy, often softens the impact of consequences on our lives. But for the most part, He allows us to experience the natural effect of our actions. 

Your best tool for allowing teens to understand the impact of their actions is getting out of the way of the natural consequences of their actions.

 

Teens are big enough to make big decisions that can carry life-long impact. They can get pregnant or become fathers; they can make mistakes that kill someone or themselves; they can destroy relationships or earn a criminal record or get themselves addicted to drugs.

I’m not saying “So let ’em!” Not saying that at all. Part of the Grace you bring into the life of your children is protection from the worst that foolishness can bring. Some problems demand radical intervention.

But parents, you need to come to grips with the reality that your hardest job is getting out of the way of Life as it slams into your child with all the force necessary to teach some of the hardest lessons. Failure is the best teacher when we’re willing to learn from it.

It’s hard to step aside and let your kid earn an F because she won’t do her homework despite all your efforts to intervene and help. That might mean she goes to community college for a couple years instead of your private liberal arts alma mater. But she needs to own her failure (and be offered a hand up to dig out of it once the lesson sinks in).

It sounds mean to say, “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to earn and use your own money if you want to buy that.”  I see a lot of teens holding their parents hostage through guilt and emotional slash-n-burn tactics. Don’t fall for that. They can’t refuse to contribute AND complain about what they want but you won’t buy for them. A good lesson for all of life.

It’s impossible to monitor who your son is spending his time with or doing in his spare time.  You can guarantee that your kid has probably smoked it, tasted it, drank it, or kissed it. Model responsible (and enjoyable) adult behavior for your kids, and resist the urge to put a GPS tracker on his shoes. In my experience, when parents love their kids and are trying to be reasonably involved in their lives, “bad stuff” tends to come into the light before too long.  Be sure their sins will find them out. Hopefully before the damage is permanent.

Oh, and don’t be afraid to get absolutely livid if the occasion demands it. Like if your kid nearly hurt someone by being stupid. There are times when your anger – driven by your fear for their wellbeing and your better understanding of how this world works – can be very effective as a natural consequence. But it only works if your kids rarely see you angry.

A final word:

When the times of conflict hit — and they most certainly will hit every parent-teen relationship at some point — it doesn’t have to turn into a nuclear war.

What I’ve seen from the best parents I’ve known is patient, quiet, calm love combined with the courage to speak honestly and the wisdom to know when to say something and when to just be quiet.  These parents may weep or rage on the inside, but toward their children they are gracious, firm, and proactive. They refused to let their buttons get pushed.

And you know what? Around age 19 or maybe 21 or 24, every one of their kids has come to them with joy and deep gratitude for the gift of love and grace their parents gave them.

Really.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few more notes about adolescents:

I’ve noticed that girls hit their most difficult years around age 15 while most boys really go head-to-head with their parents a year or two later. Of course, individual experiences vary; I’ve known 12 year olds who’ve zoomed straight into the worst of puberty while others pass through all 8 years with nary a fight. But the typical patterns are labeled that for a reason — you should expect to hit a few patches that are rougher than others. [Personally, I’m convinced the only reason 17 year old boys survive is because adults decide not to murder them. I’ve had to hold myself back a few times. lol]

Teens sometimes push the boundaries of this process by doing anything bad they could imagine (drugs, sex, theft or shoplifting, recklessness, sneaking out) altering with rank foolishness (usually non-malicious but often just plain dumb). Both boys and girls will lose all common sense in their quest to impress a crush.

And all of our teens are now awash in way more social media and text connectivity than we ever had to deal with. At least my landline had only one connection, so I could hold only one conversation at a time. And my parents yelled at me if I tied up the phone all night. Not so when everyone has their own personal phone-in-pocket and communications device. Star Trek might have foreseen personal communicators, but I never saw Kirk caught in the midst of conversations with Spock, McCoy, Uhura, and Scotty all at the same time, with Sulu and Chekov sending over random Snapchats of their drinking party below decks. You and I had a way to escape the prying eyes of our peers; our teens never ever ever stop talking with their peers. Never.

Find yourself some parents who’ve made it through, whose kids are in college or married and relatively okay, and talk to them. You need people in your life who can remind you that this is just a phase, that you’re going to make it through. 🙂

As Teens Push Away, What Can Parents Do To Support Them? | MindShift | KQED News

I think any of us who’ve worked extensively knows that loving a teenager is very much like “hugging a cactus.”  Or trying to make friends with an aloof feline – sometimes it feels like all they want is food; otherwise, “go away.”

But the teen years, hard as they are on parents and mentors, offer deeply rewarding moments as well: the opportunity to watch, before your eyes, a young adult emerging into life and discovery and calling.

Good article, quick read.

When teens push themselves away, says Hill, “it does not mean that they don’t want and crave their parents’ acceptance of their identities and interests. One of my colleagues said parenting teens is like hugging a cactus. Even as the ‘warm fuzzies’ are not often reciprocated, teens still need them, still need to know they are loved unconditionally. Don’t miss the opportunity to say or show love, warmth and affection toward even your most prickly teen.”

via As Teens Push Away, What Can Parents Do To Support Them? | MindShift | KQED News.